Friday, Sept. 06, 2002 - 9:26 p.m.

A little while ago, someone called my cell phone but I was too late in picking it up because I was in the hallway and the ring was too low. It said “Caller ID Blocked” and as soon as I saw that, I was so stunned I couldn’t bring myself to face the reality.

All the good ole days came back to me all of a sudden. I feel torn apart. I know nothing as changed as far as the relationship is concerned, but still, distance is fatal.

To me anyway.

I don’t feel good. I want what I want. I want it all back. I want my peace, freedom, love. I can’t just sit here and stare while the most precious things in life are snatched away from me.

I just can’t.

But there’s not much that I can do either. I wish I could talk to my dad about it, but I don’t feel close to him at all. The couple times I did talk to him were just, due to the circumstances.

I was okay for the past 2 days. I gave up all hope of going to college, and all the other stuff, and I didn’t care.

But I realize the more I keep it inside of myself, the more it comes back to me and throws itself in my face.

Which is why, its no use keeping it inside. No matter what I do, it comes back to me and wounds me, over and over again.

I just can’t get used to my hopes and plans being crushed, over and over again. I know I should be used to it by now, but you need to be in my shoes to experience the reality of what, and how I feel.

I need to get closer to Allah. He’s the only one that can help me now. I can’t believe I just realized that. I guess some of us awaken late.

But I’ve only “realized” that. I’m not sure if I have the guts and power and strength to completely submit myself to Him right now.

I sound like a non believer. So who am I to tell people to go spend some time in Allah’s path. I’m sorry Asif. My moms right, I am prejudice. It’s so sad. I dunno whats wrong with me.

Maybe I’m just going through a phase, but I’m not sure.

But whatever good deeds that others perform make me happy. Sooo happy. I still can’t describe how full of joy I felt/feel when I heard my cousin spent 40 days in jamaat, and came back, changed completely. The once modern dude now completely transformed into a totally different being.

And then I heard he’s kept a beard.

Damn, subhan’Allah, I feel so good. Gosh, I just can’t describe.

I think the reason I feel so much more full of joy and awe is because, well, it’s hard to admit, but its just that he came from such a ..modernized family, I never expected anyone from their family to uh, change.

I know I’m bad myself. I’m really bad. I suck. I know, I know, and I have no freakin right to call someone modern. But..well..i couldn’t describe it without using that word.

And when he did change, it was such a shock. Huge, kinda scary too, in a way. I just couldn’t digest the news. Actually, I still can’t. my heart’s in my throat.

Ahh, I guess Allah does work in various, miraculous ways. Sometimes we just can’t understand. My cousins barely 24.

No I don’t guess that. I believe that. Yes, I do.

Ever since my cousin changed so, hastily? Yeah uh, fast, quick, totally, yup those are the words, ever since he did change, I’ve felt an urge inside of myself to go and spend some time in Jamaat too.

I hope it’ll do me good. Some good, at least.

Insha’Allah.

I still don’t feel any different from when I started typin this post tho, cuz its supposed to help me right? Sorting thoughts = tension stress relief.

Then why do I still feel like I’ve lost everything in life?

Including myself? :(