Thursday, Nov. 14, 2002 - 1:18 p.m.

There’s this one person that I’m dependant on, for something, that’s vital, to me anyway. I hate myself for it. It’s a sign of weakness and helplessness.

I don’t understand anything. I’m so freakin puzzled by everything. Every sentence of mine starts from a WHY. WHY THIS WHY THAT.

I can’t believe I’m going through this crap. I’m 15, and I’m going through this bullcrap. Why can’t I just be a normal 15 year old? Why don’t comfort words mean anything to me? Why is it that there are all these happy go lucky 15 year olds out there enjoying life to their fullest while I’m stuck here with freakin sh*t?

I realize I’m envious of people with good lives. If I look deep inside myself, I find envy. Envy of people that are so happy. But I guess, they deserve it. I don’t think I’ve done anything uptil now in 15 years of my life to deserve happiness. So it does make sense after all.

But still, I wonder where the hell I went wrong. As wrong as…as…the wrongest. When I went wrong somewhere, I screwed up big time. But I cant come to an answer. Everything that’s happened so far happened for the same reason, because I’M GOING THROUGH CRAP. I don’t know where it started. I can’t even put anything in proper words right now.

I want to go far away. Far far away. From everybody and everything that’s been so familiar to me for 15 long a$$ crapful of years. I want to wake up and find myself somewhere..peaceful.

Where that peace is, I don’t know. I know it wont be there for a long time. Its just how it is for me.

I’m never getting married. I like saying that because I feel proud of myself for not having the intention of ruining other peoples life. Getting married means having a family from which more and more people add on. If one of them is screwed up, no one will be normal. I don’t want kids with crappy lives. I’m afraid I’ll never be able to make them happy. Or my spouse happy. Or anybody happy.

But I feel proud enough for making the decision. At least I wont be causing any harm, if I won’t do anything good.

I want to move far far away in the city with my 3 cats and never come back. I want my peace and happiness and I want it now. I don’t feel good and I wanna feel good NOW. NOWNOW NOW. I’m sick of waiting. Every 5 minute passage seems like freakin eternity.

Where are you happiness?