Sunday, Nov. 10, 2002 - 11:34 a.m.

ok so like i'm shocked and surprised because i havent blown up or told anyone off really bad in ages. ok 3 to 4 days. since ramadan started. its mind boggling. maybe its the ramadan blessing. for once, i think i been blessed.

but i'm keeping all the crap inside of me so its not good. ah well, at least to the world i'm sane. no wait i dont care wut the hell the world thinks. yeah i dont. goto hell for all the crap i care.

i writhe in bloody agony inside. its too freakin hard to remain positive about things anymore.

and i dont have a friggin idea what my dreams are trying to tell me. im dreaming of fire. and a huge house on fire, cuz of a bomb, and crashing down like the WTC. and i was there, trying to escape it, and i actually did, jus in time.

intimidating. very.

then right the next night, (last night) i had a dream of another house on fire. but i wasnt in it, thank god. i was just watching the firemen trying desperately to save people.

i think i'm going to be sick.

anyways.

i want to paint my bookshelf and chest of drawers. i wanna paint 'em white with all kinds of bloody designs all over them. with markers or something. i need something colorful in my room to cheer me up.

schoolbooks arent all the colorful so they dont help much.

i told my mom and she said its a good idea BUT what if i'm allergic to paint or soemthing.

so im not gonna do it until i get my biopsy results from the doc so ill know what im reallly allergic to, tho i doubt its paint.

ah well.

i went to the masjid yesterday and i felt bad. in a bad bad mood. somethings wrong but i dont know what.

this one girl over there was talking about how somepeople havea good life, some have a bad one, and some have both.

i think that was it.