Saturday, Oct. 26, 2002 - 9:59 p.m.

So….it still seems like a dream. Today is the baddest day of my life. The worst, is yet to come. but I know what I did was right, even if it hurts like hell. And becomes worse with every breath I take.

I went to the lecture at the masjid. But we came back early. Before it ended, and before the dinner was served.

I didn’t sit with the BS group (bright side) they kept asking me to come and sit with them, but I wasn’t in the mood.

I felt like drilling a hole in the ground, burying myself in, dying, and never feeling like this. Ever again.

But it is with mere grief that I must inform myself, this has only jus started.

There will be days…….lets jus say bad days….

It was a graduation for the aalima class’s 2nd year and for some hafiz’s that completed quraan.

They all got certificates.

I duaa’d for a long time after the prayers. It was so hard to sit there in public and not cry. So hard.

I cannot imagine life treating me like this. But it is. It really is. This is reality and its what I gotta get used to

No more fantasy world, dream world, hope world.

No more.

Nothing.

Jus silence.

Utter silence.

And grief.