Friday, Oct. 11, 2002 -

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9:23 p.m

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just got off the phone with sunera. =) she called me and talked to me for 45 minutes while she sat all dressed up @ her home waiting for her moms signal so her bro could drive her over to the restaurant.

Thank u gurl. It was kind enough of u to even gimme a call ;)

Luv you.

I hope you have a great life.

God bless u, Sun.

ameen.

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3:56 p.m.

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My parents arn't letting me go to my best friend, Tara’s/Sun’s engagement party. Tonight is the big night. I don’t have much to say. I don’t know what to say. I don’t know HOW to tell her. I really wanted to go.

It doesn’t surprise me much though. I’m never allowed to go hardly anywhere at all. Socializing is like, out of the question. I have to stay at home all day and help clean or study or go online. Most people like to call me a person without a life, and I couldn’t have said It any better.

It’s at a restaurant, its segregated. But still no. first they said I could just stop by, meet her, and leave, but now even that’s a no. I don’t understand.

I’d been looking forward to it since forever. Since when she told me it was gonna happen. Now, its all just blah. Ruined.

It’s like constant stabs in an already salted wound. There have been things in my life, not just this engagement party, this engagement party is so minor compared to the other stuff. I have dreamed for, a long long time, in the end, the same goes for each and every time, the mountain crashes down leaving me dumbfounded and lonely.

Its all ruined me. My inner self. My self esteem is down to…-100. confidence is out of the question. Enthusiasm for girly things has vanished. Faded away, far far away, in a dark hole.

To the world I may seem happy and content, cheerful and full of joy, but on the inside there’s nothing. Its all fake, pretending. plastic, I’d like to call myself. Because every time I think of the word “fake” I think of the word plastic.

This is what this diary is for, pretending, and a seemingly happy Vitamin X.